Your conflict cycle is not a character flaw

Every couple that comes to therapy arrives with a loop they can describe in detail and cannot stop. One reaches, the other retreats. One raises the volume, the other lowers the shutters.

The loop is doing a job

Pursuit is a protest against disconnection. Withdrawal is an attempt to stop the damage. Both are attempts at safety, arriving at the worst possible moment for each other. Treated as bad behaviour, they harden. Treated as protection, they soften.

Working with it in the room

Slow the moment down before the loop completes. When you see the first micro-cue — the inhale before the retort, the shoulders turning away — name it gently and pause there. Ask what the body wanted to do. Most couples have never been asked.

For therapists

Your own state is the first intervention. If your system braces when the volume rises, the couple will feel it and escalate. Regulation in the therapist's chair is not self-care; it is technique.